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I had created a life I thought I wanted. I ran my own dynamic design agency, I had a committed and loving partner. But I wasn’t happy. And I didn’t know why. I assumed there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was just going through that “grass is greener on the other side” phase. I was bored. I was…..something. So I sat on it. I squashed my feelings. For a long time. A very long time. Three years in fact.
And during this time not a moment went by where I really knew what to do. I kept hoping for this moment of complete clarity. Because that’s what happened to all the women in the films, right? That moment where it would all become clear. I’d get a sign. Carrie always got a sign. Ms McBeal got at least 1 an episode. Hell, even Rachel Green got something. Something would happen that would tell me exactly what to do. But no signs ever came.
And then he started to talk about marriage, about rings, about our future. And I couldn’t hide it any longer. I couldn’t pretend that how I was feeling was just a blip. A lapse. It wasn’t fair. On him. On me.
And, to make matters worse, not only was I unsure about what I didn’t want, I had no idea what I did want either. I realised I had no idea who I really was. I didn't know what I wanted from my life and I had the feeling that I'd made every decision subconsciously - relying instead upon convention and what I thought 'ought' to be done. I hadn’t been and wasn’t being authentic to who I truly was. I had no idea what to do or where to find answers, but I did know that I had to start looking for some.
So I set out on a journey to re-discover myself. And I forced myself to spend time alone, to nourish myself, to try new things, to push my boundaries. And I soul searched, I read books, I had looong conversations with my friends. Lots of looong conversations. I answered and asked a lot of questions. I compiled lists of goals, vision boards, priority lists, my values – you name it, I did it. Searching searching, constantly searching.
And slowly but surely I started to learn about who I was. The essence of me. What I wanted. What I needed to feel fulfilled. To feel purposeful. To feel authentic to the real me. And to feel successful.
And with this rediscovery of who I was, and what I wanted for my life, came the realisation that my sweet, kind and loving man was no longer right for me. I needed more. More excitement. More challenge. More distance and space to be me. And these were huge and terrifying breakthroughs. I’d constructed my life so that I was constantly protected in my own little comfort zone. But, as with all comfort zones, it was slowly suffocating me. No challenge. No pressure. Just soft, easy, comfortable.
So I decided I needed to get out, but I had no idea how. I felt wholly and completely responsible for my partner’s emotional and financial life and knew that I couldn’t just leave him and move on. I would never forgive myself, and worse, he would never forgive me. So I stayed.
When we were approached to run the fashion arm of a well-known brand and merge our business with them, I grabbed it. Not thinking about the consequences other than those that would satisfy my immediate needs. Needs for financial independence, emotional independence and freedom. This enabled me to get away but still protect my partner. To ensure he was able to earn money and be surrounded by people. I was preparing him for my desertion.
And then I did it. I left. It was painful. I felt like a terrible person. That I had let my whole family down. His family. Our friends. Him. Myself.
But it also felt right. Like I was doing the right thing. I had my friends there. And I had my belief, my intuition and I went with it.
Out of the blue and by accident (an accident called My Single Friend) Joe found me and, even more by accident, I found him.
It turned out that the world wide web was good for something other than Asos! And that’s when I knew I was a huge success in one part of my life. When everything is perfect. When you have found that person you know is just….a fit. A match. A mirror. The same but completely opposite. Someone you aspire to be more like. Someone who makes you want to be the best ‘you’ possible. Someone who you can’t bare to not walk through life with. And I was fulfilled. In my relationship. I was utterly there – where I wanted to be. A success. Happy.
And when 1 part of your life is so sublimely good. So completely right. That’s when the holes in the rest of it start to show. The gaping holes. The stark contrast between right and wrong; happy and sad, good and bad. The things that, when you’re in bliss, nag away at the corner of your mind.
I knew immediately what it was. Where once there had been a career with goals, challenge, achievement and purpose was now a mindless mundane mediocrity. Whilst I was in the pits of my own unhappiness I had let slip my ambitions, my desire, my cravings for working hard, my passion for what I was doing. I realized that in its place was just a ‘job’. A 9.30am-6pm slog through the day.
I was frustrated. This was not the life I signed up for. And more than that. This was not the life I wanted, or felt I deserved. Continuing to do something with the knowledge that it was not right. That I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose. That I wasn't being authentic. That I was wasting my one, precious life.
Here I was with a burning passion to make a difference, to change people’s lives, but crying on the floor because I wasn’t living the right life.
And so my 2nd journey of self-discovery and self-fulfilment began. My new journey to become a success outside of my relationship. To leading a successful life. A successful life defined by me and no one else. Successful to me, successful for me. Because that’s the only success I care about.
I attended courses, I went to seminars, I signed up for every single email newsletter, webinar, tele-seminar and e-book about psychology, motivation, success, Neuro Linguistic Programming, strategic interventions, marketing, business – you name it I did it, saw it, and went on it.
And slowly but surely I started to learn about what I wanted. What I needed to feel fulfilled. To feel purposeful. And to feel successful. It has been a long old journey. It has taken me down some interesting paths. All valuable. Not all right for me. And I’m not there yet. Not by a long way. I still battle with limiting beliefs, with a fear of failure, with understanding what I really want as opposed to what I think I should want. But I’m learning everyday. More about me, about life, about human excellence. About what I want. About what I need. And I’m on my journey to becoming truly successful – according to my wants, needs and values.
And this is where you come in. I have compiled all my learnings. All my knowledge from NLP, neuroscience, psychology, human behaviour, fitness and nutrition with my experience of running my own successful companies and working with a leading lifestyle brand, with the realisations I’ve made from my own journey, into simple, understandable and practical strategies, tools, tips and advice. Information I share to help other women be successful in their own lives. Whatever that 'success' means to them.
My mission is to share all of this with you. With other women who feel unfulfilled, trapped, frustrated, bored and terrified of leading a life that’s not right for them. Of being inauthentic to who they really are. Of having no balance in their lives. Because I’ve realised that part of my journey, part of my wants, needs and values are about travelling with other women on their journeys. Part of ‘success’ for me is to help other women as they set off on their own journey too.
A journey whose only destination is more success in your life. Whatever that means for you. I want to help you to get there, to do it, to be it, to find meaning and fulfillment. I want to empower you with confidence, motivation, inspiration and knowledge to take your life into your own hands. To take back control. To start creating and fulfilling your own potential. To start living an authentic life. So that you can live the life that you deserve, and that you dream of living.
Because if we travel together, we can help each other to find our very own versions of success. And whilst success may be our journey, happiness will be our vehicle.